


Time

by orphan_account



Series: Afternoon [3]
Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon Related, Heavy Angst, Jiyong is stupid, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-07
Updated: 2016-05-23
Packaged: 2018-06-06 22:38:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 20,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6773119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jiyong definitely loves Seungri. Only he doesn't know how to properly do so.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Black

When Jiyong is not producing new music or modeling for whatever brand happens to want him for their campaign, which is quite a rare occurrence, he, for the first time in his life, takes time off for himself. He likes to lie on his couch or cook himself dinner, which is quite the challenge seeing as he’s never been the best of cooks. He likes to take long baths and he’s even adopted a new dog. Seeing as Gaho passed away a few years ago he’d thought that he at least had time to take care of a new puppy now, so he’d gone and gotten himself a little dachshund and named it Dog. So unoriginal, but he hadn’t been able to think if anything else.

 

He’s been asocial for a month, when he’s invited to a new year’s party hosted by Chaerin who begs him to “please attend, oppa, everybody seems to think you’ve fallen off the face of Earth”, so naturally he has to go, because even if he’s no longer G-Dragon of Big Bang he’s still GD of YG.    
   At least that’s what Kiko tells him, when he calls her freaking out because this is the first time he’ll be out in public after Big Bang’s split, and even if that was quite the quiet affair, he’s still the same shy person who hates too much attention. She retorts to laughing at him, because it’s apparently really not the end of the world, but she promises to come with him, which calms him a bit.

 

Kiko is something in his life which is a constant. He always knows where he’s got her - by his side whenever he needs her. Sometimes he wishes to spend the rest of his life with her, if that could maybe work out, because she calms him like no one else. She makes him feel normal and loved. She makes him laugh and grounds him when his mind is elsewhere.  
   “If only I loved you like that”, he’d say to her in the past and she’d laugh that bright laugh of her’s:  
   “You are such a crazy person, do you know that?”, and then she’d kiss him on the cheek. Her rejection never stung and that’s how he’d know she really would never be the one.

 

He briefly wonders if Seungri will be there, on new year’s, having returned from army and all, but he won’t let himself hope too much. They’re not on bad terms, but he’s definitely aware of how bad he’d fucked up when he’d broken up with the younger. After chasing him for years, Seungri must have felt so confused when Jiyong’d called that night in early 2022.  
   The worst part, Jiyong thinks to himself, is how he never explained himself to the younger man. It wasn’t that he loved him less or that he was tired of their relationship. It all boiled down to the fact that Jiyong never even knew if they actually were in a relationship - it had all been so uncertain, so undefined. And when Seungri’d gone and fucked another man, even if he’d claimed it wasn’t because he didn’t love Jiyong back, he hadn’t been able to help but think that maybe Seungri wasn’t even ready to settle down the way Jiyong was.  
   These thoughts were also what had finally led Jiyong to retire himself from the idol-industry he’d been part of for come 15 years. If he got himself off the public scene - worked behind it instead as a producer only - he’d maybe actually make a chance for the two of them to work things out properly. Move in together properly, go on dates properly, come out to their friends and family properly.

Jiyong sighs and runs a hand through his black hair. It’s grown kind of long and he doesn’t even know if he likes it or hates it. Nonetheless, for the first time in years, he doesn’t have to care about how his hair looks and he’s not gonna lie, he’s actually enjoying it.

If only time hadn’t been against them like this. Already having been apart four years out of the five since their trip around Europe and the Maldives, Jiyong now 35 and Seungri 33 of age, he feels stressed out. His family has started nudging him on about marriage, him already being quite old in that department, and Jiyong doesn’t know what to say because he has no clue how things will turn out. He doesn’t want to break it to them that he has no plans of marrying a woman, if it doesn’t turn out that way in the end - he knows they will take ages accepting it, if he tells them how he’s planning on spending his life with a man instead.  
   And Seungri.. he hasn’t even spoken to him, even if he’s been home for at least a few months already. Jiyong feels too ashamed to even go to their apartment, afraid the younger will be there even if he doubts it. He knows it won’t solve a thing. They’ve already wasted so much time, but he’s terrified. He’s so terrified of rejection that he doesn’t do a thing, he doesn’t reach out, because right now the good memories are what he remembers most. And that’s how he wants things to stay.  
   He wants to remember the way Seungri’s eyes sparkled every time they first came face to face after weeks of not having met, back when Jiyong served. He wants to remember the way Seungri’s body feels against his own. He wants to remember how the younger feels on top of him, inside him, around him - his warmth, his strength, his scent.

His sleep is definitely troubled leading up to new year’s.

 

Saying Youngbae’s being angry with him would be an understatement. Truth to be told, his best friend hasn’t reached out to him most of December, and if tabloids are anything to go by he’s been spending a lot of time with their youngest. Jiyong knows Youngbae doesn’t know that what Jiyong did he did to protect them. He would never in a million years hurt Seungri if he had any other choice. He feels a bit bitter that even his best friend doesn’t know him well enough to realize this, but then again.. Jiyong hides so much of himself from everyone that nobody really knows him enough to classify it as ‘well’.

 

The day leading up to the party, Jiyong spends hours trying to choose an outfit. He doesn’t know why he cares so much, but apparently he does, so he can’t help himself. Most of his toned muscles are long gone, but his slender frame is at least not hiding the soft abs he’s always sporting, and when he looks himself in the mirror he doesn’t mind what he sees.  
   He does however mind every damn outfit he puts together - absolutely hating every one of them.

That is, of course, until he finds a green YSL dress shirt, which he ends up only half buttoning, showing off his chest and pairing with a pair of skinny leather trousers. In the mirror he doesn’t look a day over thirty and it gives him some sort of renewed confidence. He can handle this one night. He knows Chaerin so well, he needn’t worry at all.  
   If the shirt he’s wearing was gifted to him by Seungri as a welcome-home-from-the-military gift, he does a great job at ignoring it.

 

He feels them burn. The eyes. He feels them looking through him to his very core. He feels naked. Alone. And he’s in the biggest crowd he’s experienced in a while. But Seungri is there. That’s all that matters, because he’s definitely spotted Jiyong too, his gaze hasn't left him since. It feels suffocating yet so good at the same time. Jiyong is so split between wanting to flip him off, ignore him or run to where he’s sitting, faster than lightning and just.. hold him tight, kiss him senselessly, bring him home and make the younger do things to him he can only dream of for now.  
   He could scream but nobody would hear him. He could cry but nobody would care. And Jiyong wouldn’t care either, but Seungri probably would. And that’s what pains him. Incredibly. Indescribably.

They’ve danced around each other, avoiding, all evening. Seungri looks dreamy in white and black, jeans so tight Jiyong would have a serious problem getting them off. It’s incredible how well the younger ages. He looks better and better with the years - always has done. And his hair is black, short, like it was during their Alive era.

And Jiyong is pissed. He’s blackout drunk by the time they count down the seconds till midnight. It’s almost 2023. It’s been seven years of him pining for this boy. He’s dancing, or at least he’s on the dance floor. Bodies are all around him, all excited, more and more as the seconds pass. But Jiyong is the opposite - gets less and less enthusiastic as time ticks by. Life is in slow-motion, lights blinding him. And Seungri is not there. Until he is.  
   He’s actually there. In front of Jiyong, who can’t believe his own eyes. His boy, his magnae and he’s so close. Leaning in. Cupping Jiyong’s cheek, eyes looking, searching for something, but everything is blurry so Jiyong never finds out what. Until the mouth is on his, the mouth he’s missed for months. It feels the same, tastes the same - it’s home, it’s Seungri.

And the world erupts around them. His surroundings are moving at normal speed again. The clock has struck midnight, but all Jiyong knows in this moment, is that the love of his fucking life is kissing him. Full on, where everybody can see. And he doesn’t care, he feels so free, feels ready - he wants to scream again, but this time the words are ones he wants heard. _This is who I am, this is who I love, fucking fight me if you want!_  
   But of course he doesn’t.

And then Seungri’s gone.

 

He wakes up the morning after on the carpet of the living room in his and Seungri’s apartment. When he got there or how he got there is beyond him, having been too drunk to remember. It’s cold without a duvet, and the apartment is so silent it almost hurts his ears. With a pounding head and a churning stomach, he sits up and the world immediately starts spinning. Groaning into his hand, he briefly wonders where his shirt is, because he’s only wearing trousers.  
   Looking around it doesn’t seem like Seungri’s been there recently, which makes Jiyong kind of sad, but he guesses the younger might feel a bit weird coming here too. And it’s a shame because Jiyong gifted him the apartment for them to have as some sort of free space - a place where they could be themselves, both together but also alone.

He’s gone for a wee, when he hears his phone ring. He finds it in the hallway where it’s carelessly tossed to the ground, and he’s missed a few calls from both Youngbae and Chaerin. Not wanting to call back, ignoring the curiosity as to why they’re trying to get in touch with him, he drops the phone back onto the floor and proceeds to the bedroom.  
   Their king sized bed is perfectly made - the whole room is annoyingly clean in general. Coming from a neat-freak like himself, Jiyong feels weird thinking this. But it both feels and looks weird, no personality to the room, no presence of another person, no Seungri.

He walks to their closet, steps inside and immediately grabs one of the younger’s t-shirts, pulling it over his head. It smells like Seungri - like them. Sighing he walks out and climbs under the covers, making himself comfortable in the enormous bed.  
   Luckily enough his hangover is so bad he falls asleep easily within minutes.

 

He laughs at himself, out loud, one day in the middle of eating lunch, because he actually hasn’t left the apartment for a whole week. He’s either had food delivered or tried cooking himself with groceries he’s also had delivered all week, and other than that he’s binge watched old Running Man episodes - making sure to avoid the few episodes he, they, went on back in the days.

It’s actually not funny though. More sad. But he keeps telling himself he deserves this time off - he’s worked non-stop since he was 11, he can take a break. Though he knows this break probably shouldn’t consist of him moping around the apartment he bought for his ex… boyfriend? Lover? He just shakes his head at himself, because it doesn’t even matter.  
   Seungri’s god knows where doing god knows what, and Jiyong cares so much even if he doesn’t want to. But the younger had kissed him after all. On new year’s. And that at least has to mean something, doesn’t it? Goodbye? Come back?

 

It’s easy writing songs about Seungri now. Since he’s not the one singing them anymore, he doesn’t have to worry about fans’ interpretation as much. And it does give him some sort of thrill, whenever his juniors perform them on stage, singing of those short nights he used to spend with his magnae.  
   He wonders whether or not Seungri’s listening. Is he listening? Does he understand?

 

Jiyong has gone through periods of depression a few times in his life. Being who he is it was bound to happen - Youngbae had made that clear seeing as he’d somehow always been prepared. Whenever Jiyong would lock himself up in the studio, or have panic attacks so bad he’d dial his best friend’s number without even noticing, Youngbae would show up mere minutes after. Jiyong finds himself missing those days. He’s not blaming Youngbae for not being there, since the man is busy with his own life - his fiancée, Song Minjung, who is the nicest and prettiest girl Jiyong’s ever had the pleasure of meeting. No he misses those days because of their closeness, not just Youngbae and him, but the whole of Big Bang. He misses always having someone there, always having his best friends around him.

So he goes to Japan for a few days, finally leaving the apartment. He stays with Kiko, unfortunately gets papped and they’re in the news a few days later. It’s horrible how people like to speculate the two of them, but of course they do. Jiyong is getting older and he’s no longer the busy man he used to be - to the public eye it would make sense for him to finally settle down with Kiko.  
   They choose not to care, though, and eat their way through Tokyo instead. Kiko knows all the nice places, likes to eat as much as Jiyong does so they end up having a nice time nonetheless. They get drunk a few times, opening up to each other more than usual and it’s mending Jiyong again. He’s becoming himself, slipping out of the dark fog he’s been emerged in for the last while.

“Why do you always like to torture yourself like this, Jiyong?”, she asks one night they’re lying in bed about to sleep. His back is facing her, but that doesn’t stop her from speaking up, so he turns around to face her.  
   “What do you mean torture myself?”, he retorts, anxious because he could literally be referring to so many things. He was born like this. He never really listens to himself.  
   “You’re both free now. And you’re getting older. Don’t waste your time, Jiyong.”

His heart is screaming at him in agreement.

 

However, he doesn’t feel like he’s a 35 year old man when he finally sees Seungri again. Instead he feels like he’s back to being 28 and confused. They’re unfortunately back at their game of push and pull, and it’s so aggravating because they’re grown ass men - they should sit down and talk it out.

Seunghyun is throwing a dinner party, guests consisting of the members, their significant others and a handful of Seunghyun’s actor friends who Jiyong has never met before. The atmosphere would be really nice, if it wasn’t for the fact that at least Youngbae and Seunghyun seem painfully aware of the fact that Jiyong and Seungri are finally in the same room again.  
   They laugh awkwardly every time someone mentions Big Bang or anything else which has even remotely to do with Jiyong and Seungri both.

It’s tiring so Jiyong excuses himself to go for a smoke as soon as he can. He feels like he can breathe again as soon as he’s outside, which is a relief.  
   It irritates him how the people not involved seem more invested in his and the magnae’s feelings than they, themselves, do. Seunghyun and Youngbae have got it all wrong. Because Jiyong does not hate Seungri, and he hopes Seungri doesn’t hate him either. No, he _knows_ the younger man doesn’t hate him. What they had was too precious for either of them to ever be able to hate the other.

He sighs as he exhales, finishing one cigarette and immediately lightening another. What he doesn’t know though, is how to talk to the younger. He’s too conscious of his surroundings to just go for it - afraid to kill the mood - and because of what happened at new year’s he also feels awkward. What would he even say?  
   Resting his elbows on the railing, he hides his face in his hands. The last time he didn’t know how to start a conversation with Seungri was back when Big Bang was formed. He can’t believe their general relationship has gone so downhill. It wasn’t even a bad breakup - Jiyong is sure they both saw it coming.

“Oh”, he recognizes the voice immediately, and spins around to find Seungri one step onto the balcony. The younger looks startled, but luckily not too like a deer caught in the headlights. Did Seungri not realize that Jiyong had left? If he’d noticed Jiyong missing, he probably wouldn’t have come out on there, “I could have told myself this would be where you’d run off too”, the younger mumbles, mostly to himself, and Jiyong’s heart flutters because the man before him had actually noticed his absence.

“It’s okay, I was just about to head back in”, why are they so awkward? It makes Jiyong want to shake Seungri violently.

“That’s not what it looked like, though, hyung”, why is Seungri’s voice always so damn soft? It makes Jiyong want to hold him close.

So he steps close. He steps so close to Seungri that he can smell the younger man, feel the heat radiating from his body. And he stares deep into those dark eyes staring back up at him like a damn puppy. His heart is hammering so hard in his chest that he feels dizzy, but he can’t snap out of it.  
   “Hyung..”, he only notices how close they actually are, how close their faces have come, when Seungri whispers this. He looks so small like this, so fragile, so insecure. And it breaks Jiyong’s heart because he knows there is a big chance that he’s the reason for this.

 

_Something is chasing him. And he’s running as fast as he possibly can. Usually that would be enough, but not this time, because in his heart and mind he knows that whatever is behind him will catch up with him. It’s not that it’s sooner rather than later, but it’s eventually. That scares him senseless and he gasps for air - he has no time for a break, but his legs are so tired they buckle beneath him, tortured and throbbing. He’ll swell later, he thinks, they’re that beat and he feels sorry for them having to carry him through this._

_And that’s when he hears them. They’re pants, moans, someone’s running like him. With him maybe? He’s at least not alone wherever he is. Not having noticed his surroundings he stops without thinking. It’s a long hallway it seems, black but there is the faintest white light at the end of it. Does he want to go there? Not really yet, but again he knows that eventually he’ll have to._

_Is he alone? Will he have to go there alone? Or does whoever is also gasping for their breath have to come with him? Will he have to? Does Jiyong want him to come?_

 

He wakes up to Seoul covered in snow. It had just gone, so he feels quite sad that it’s returned. On top of that his nose is completely stuffed which means he’s definitely sick if his sweat soaked sheets and that weird dream are also anything to go by. He’s meant to return to the studio, but he admits to himself that that’s definitely not going to happen, so he drags his sore body out into his bathroom where he turns on the tap to make himself a hot bath.  
   What did that dream even mean? The feeling of his pounding heart still feels so real, even as he lies there in a relaxing bath.

He ends up writing a bit whenever he finds the energy to do anything else than eat and sleep. His thoughts are all over the place though, so whatever ends up on paper isn’t comprehensible at all. For a moment he feels like a complete failure, frustrated with not even being able to do what he does best and in the middle of it all Youngbae calls to ask where in the world he is.

 

At least Youngbae’s motherly instincts are still the same as always, when he comes over with soup and five different teas some time after he’s called. Jiyong won’t admit how happy he is, that he himself didn’t have to ask for company and that’s why he welcomes his friend with open arms, cause it’s also a while since they’ve hung out just the two of them.  
   The last time he saw the other man in person was at Seunghyun’s the week before and even then they didn’t really get to have a proper chat. Youngbae is busy with coaching a few trainees most of the time, and when he’s not he’s at home with Minjung.

“Are you okay?”, asks Youngbae after they’ve eaten and he’s made a fresh cup of tea for Jiyong. They’re on the couch, Jiyong under loads of blankets courtesy of Youngbae, and it’s cozy - Jiyong’s enjoying himself.  
   “Yeah, my headache’s gone now”, he answers and is immediately confused when his friend lets out a harsh sigh.  
   “I didn’t mean your cold, man, I’m talking about _you_ ”, and there it is again. He sounds so tired when he speaks like this, like Jiyong’s some annoying toddler he’s forced to take care of. It makes Jiyong feel no more than a bother to his friend, and it actually makes him sad because he never thought he’d see the day where their friendship would seem so on edge like this.  
   “I…”, he doesn’t know what to answer, only says something because he feels like he should. He can’t not say anything.  
   “Oh my god, Jiyong! I’m beyond tired of you always bottling every damn thing up inside, I’m right here!”, Youngbae’s raised his voice and Jiyong’s head immediately aches again, “you just disappear all the time like it’s nothing, like nothing and no one matters to you and I just don’t understand why? I’ve tried to for years, understanding when we had rough periods or just ended promotions, but when you run like this, like you’ve done even after you returned from military service, when there was nothing to run from it pisses me off!”, it’s one of the longest rants Jiyong’s ever witnessed Youngbae go on. And every word stings. Because Jiyong doesn’t have an answer - he wants to give his best friend an explanation so bad but he can’t, and he sees the disappointment flash in the other’s eyes mere seconds after he’s done talking and Jiyong hasn’t said a word.

They sit like that, air too tense between them, silence stretching miles and miles.

“It’s like you love people, friends and _others_ ”, the way he utters that word Jiyong definitely knows he’s referring to their magnae, “but at the same time it’s like they.. _we_ are not good enough, like we’re not enough at all. And you may not realize this, but you end up hurting people because of it”, the worst part is that of course Jiyong realizes. He’s a hundred percent aware that when he pushes people away he ends up hurting them, he’s not stupid. He also knows he should be mature enough by now to actually stop doing it, but it’s something he’s always done, someone he’s always been, so it’s not that simple.

“I’m sorry I’m like this. I should know better”, he apologizes. He doesn’t want to have to defend himself, he just wants to be left alone, doesn’t want to argue with Youngbae.  
   “You’re doing it right now too. You say sorry and then expect me to just leave it be”, Jiyong looks down, feeling ashamed and exposed because Youngbae knows him so well. He can’t possibly meet his eyes like this, “I don’t want your apology, save it for the one person who actually deserves it.”

 

He’d tried sleeping with another man a few weeks after he’d broken it off between himself and Seungri. He’d gone out drinking with Soohyuk and his group of friends, who’d all turned out to be just as attractive and good-looking as Soohyuk himself. Jiyong had felt like he’d stuck out like a sore thumb, but had nonetheless had such a good time he eventually ended up too drunk on the crowded dance floor. Of course one thing had lead to another and he had, in his drunken stupor and slightly brokenhearted mind, ended up letting one of Soohyuk’s friends take him home.  
   It had been fine, _he_ had been fine, when said friend immediately had kissed him senselessly as soon as they were inside the apartment. He’d been fine too when the taller man had started pulling off both their clothing and pulled him further inside only to push Jiyong back onto a large, fluffy bed. It had all been fine, until his mind had finally caught up with him and he’d realized that the man hovering above him wasn’t the one person, the only person, he wanted to be with like that.

So it had all ended up being quite embarrassing when he’d panicked, still drunk out of his mind, and pushed the guy off of him. In return he was told to ‘get the fuck out’ followed by a long string of disrespectful names he’d never thought someone would ever call him before, but at least he could finally go home. Or more like back to his and Seungri’s empty apartment, where he’d had a little cry before falling asleep in a bed which luckily still smelled a bit like his magnae.

 

It takes a few days before Jiyong doesn’t feel too sick to go to work anymore, and even then he’s hesitant to go because his writer’s block is so bad he hasn’t come up with anything decent in days. He showers quickly, rubbing the sleep and sickness out of his skin, before pulling on the baggiest clothing he owns, throws on a beanie and calls a cab to take him to the studio.  
   He doesn’t feel hungry so instead he downs a quick coffee whilst he waits for said cab to arrive. He wishes he had the guts to call up Youngbae, because in situations like these he could really use him for inspiration in the studio. It’s a weird feeling, feeling alone but knowing he’s not actually. He’s got Youngbae no matter what, he’s sure, but after their talk a few days back, Jiyong feels too ashamed to reach out to his friend.

The cab ride is not too long, traffic not too bad, and he waves at a few fans who are standing outside the YG building. He doesn’t understand why they all scream Nyongtory at him, heart hammering before he gets the time to calm himself. It’s nothing. If anyone had any proof of them, they would have used it years ago. He’s not been out with the younger man for months and months.

In the recent years YG and the studios have only become fancier and fancier. Though the studio Jiyong likes to use has remained mostly the same, with him only changing the artwork sometimes, something in him wants to change it completely. Maybe that will help him with his disappearing inspiration.  
   He doesn’t want it to look like all the other studios though. Wanting to stand out is a desire he’s got for every aspect of his life, so he takes a quick detour to look at the other rooms in the building. He feels a bit silly doing this, but he might as well.

And that’s when he hears it. The music is something he’s never heard before, but the lyrics are definitely not new to him. And the voice. Secretly his favourite voice in the universe, his blood freezes in his veins. Why is Seungri recording the song he’d written for Jiyong years ago? The song Jiyong had originally wanted to put on what ended up being their last album, but realized last minute that it was actually some sort of declaration of the feelings their magnae had for Jiyong instead.

_Can’t you see?_  
_Why don’t you see?_  
_My hand is reaching out for you_  
_why won’t you take it?_

It’s so intimate. It’s too intimate when Jiyong hears it, he wishes he hadn’t, but the door to the studio is open wide. Seungri’s voice cracks, breaks, dissolves with what Jiyong can only identify as pain singing that last line.


	2. Blue

He remembers Chaerin’s phone calls weeks after her new year’s party, and quickly dials her back. Before he can even apologize for completely forgetting about her existence, she’s full on raging at him like only Chaerin’s ever dared to do. She’s always been very precious to him since she never treated him as more than a person. He never wants to sound cocky, but not many people realize that he’s not actually more than human.  
   “I was so worried even days after, that people would misunderstand what he did!”, he’s not really been listening, so he’s a little confused when she says this, “when Seungri-oppa decided you were gonna be his new year’s kiss, of course!”, she explains when he asks what she’s on about and the fact that people even noticed that happening has him laughing at the absurdity of it all. Did people actually think someone dared Seungri to do that?  
   “What, oppa?!”, she shrieks through the phone whilst he’s full on crying with laughter. It’s not even that funny, if funny at all, but he’s starting to accept the way he can’t seem to ever control his feelings, so he just lets the laughter out.  
   “It definitely was not a dare, Chaerin-ah”, is all he says and then proceeds to ask her out for dinner to make her drop the topic at hand.

She always eats more than him, but he lets her since it keeps her from babbling on about whatever strange topic comes to her mind. He likes that about her, though, her carefree nature that makes her so little like all other women he’s probably ever known. He’s obviously aware that people seem to compare him and Chaerin and even go as far as saying that she’s the female version of him. Truth to be told though is that they probably couldn’t be any more different. Where Chaerin is carefree, Jiyong cares too much. Where Chaerin is innocent and sweet, Jiyong is the complete opposite. Where she is forgiving, he is bitter. That’s maybe the reason they get on so well.

 

One thing Jiyong keeps noticing when it comes to his friends is how they all seem to know when not to bother him. When not to ask too many questions. He’s thankful that they all apparently know him well enough to not do this, but at the same time it’s not very convenient either. He’s the type of person who’ll never really share too much of himself on his own. He needs someone to nudge him along, to make him talk.

Which is exactly what Youngbae does a few days into February. Jiyong’s in the studio and his friend enters without knocking, but Jiyong doesn’t say anything because things are weird between them, and he doesn’t want to upset Youngbae. They just look at each other for a few seconds, before his friend smiles a bit at him: “I figured you would be here. It’s good to see you back at work”, and Jiyong only nods in agreement.  
   “You don’t seem like yourself anymore”, he hadn’t expected such bold words coming from Youngbae this early into their conversation, but then again.. The other knows him, knows that him startling Jiyong will probably make him talk easier.  
   “I don’t feel like myself either”, is what he answers. He’s decided to just be honest this time around. Youngbae looks relieved that he’s seemingly chosen to talk.  
   “The fans think you and Seungri are working on some sort of duet”, this would explain the fans going on and on about Nyongtory the day Jiyong had gone back to the studio after being sick, “he’s planning on releasing an EP, I think.”

Seungri was always bold. From the start he’d seemed determined to be a part of Big Bang the best he could, even if his hyungs’ talents sometimes out-shined all Seungri’s own. That’s exactly what Jiyong always has admired most about the youngest - he’s never given up even once.  
   Though that doesn’t mean that Seungri never suffered. Jiyong knows he did, constantly, but he’d also watched how the other had built a shell for himself. Lee Seunghyun had built Seungri in front of Jiyong’s very eyes - a brighter, bolder, more confident person, everything Lee Seunghyun was and more.  
   He thinks this EP may mean the end of the persona that is Seungri. He thinks this without having spoken to the man properly in months - yet he feels confident that he’s right. That’s how well he knows their magnae.

“I heard him recording the other day.. The song he wrote for me to sing, if you remember”, he mumbles, gaze avoiding Youngbae’s.

“He’s named it _Time_ ”, is all Youngbae answers.

 

Time is something he wants to stop that same evening. He feels beat from a long day at work - his talk with Youngbae, and he decides to go to the penthouse apartment. If he’s honest he doesn’t know why he still goes there sometimes. It doesn’t feel like it’s his anymore and neither does it feel like it’s Seungri’s. It feels nostalgic though, and somewhere deep inside he finds hope. Hope that someday they will move there together. For good.

He steps inside and immediately knows something’s wrong, because there are shoes standing in a usually empty spot in the hallway. When his mind catches up with this, his heart is already going crazy in his chest - he doesn’t know what to expect. The rational explanation would be that Seungri’s in the apartment as well, this being the first time they’ve both been there in ages, so Jiyong tries to calm himself thinking this. But on the other hand the possibility of it not being Seungri - of it being an imposter - is still there, and of course the less possible of the two options is what Jiyong believes most.

“Hello?”, he says into the silence of the apartment. His voice is surprisingly strong compared to how he feels inside. If someone were to break inside this space, they would be beyond fucked. Both of them. All of them. He imagines a fan, actually any person fan or not, lurking around, finding photos, clothes, whatever private stuff belonging to Seungri and Jiyong. He imagines said person realizing little by little what this apartment means, what it’s meant for and who it’s meant for.

But there is no one. Jiyong searches everywhere obsessively for the next half hour, but he finds nothing too out of the ordinary. At least he doesn’t find an intruder of sorts.  
   It still takes him a while to finally relax again, feeling only a hundred percent safe after a few hours have passed and the apartment is still empty.

He sits by the piano, tapping the keys, trying to work on a melody that’s stuck in his head, but the notes don’t come easily. It’s a fight between him and the instrument, until he finally manages to finish the piece - it’s late by then and since he still doesn’t feel hungry he proceeds to the bedroom.  
   He puts on one of Seungri’s bigger t-shirts without thinking, he does it automatically, the feel of it, the smell of it calming him further. He feels ready to sleep in it, which must say something given how he’s generally known for never feeling tired enough to sleep. Tonight he does though, so he wraps himself tightly in the duvets, making sort of a cocoon for him to sleep in and it makes him feel a lot less lonely.

Before he drifts off he admits to himself, for probably the first time in his life, that no; he’s definitely not okay, he’s definitely not feeling like Jiyong anymore.

 

He’s startled awake, sitting up immediately, eyes already wide open. Something has woken him and it’s in the middle of the night, so all his discomfort from earlier returns full force. There are footsteps, he hears them clearly like someone’s stumbling around in the hallway. He wants to go and see who’s there, knowing it’s most likely Seungri, but he’s frozen in bed.  
   It’s not that he doesn’t want it to be Seungri. That’s probably who he wants to see most right in that moment. But he’s almost wishing for it not to be him too, because he doesn’t feel ready enough to face the other man yet.

Before he can do anything else, the magnae bursts into the room almost tripping over his own legs, taking a few seconds to notice Jiyong’s presence.  
   “Oh my god, hyung!”, clearly drunk, stinking of alcohol even from the other side of the room, Seungri starts half giggling half laughing to himself. Jiyong frowns because this is definitely in no way the way he wanted to meet Seungri alone again. Other than that it also breaks his heart seeing the younger like this, because Jiyong knows that this is what Seungri always does whenever he’s feeling sad or stressed. He goes and gets blackout drunk, completely pissed, absolutely smashed to the point of inability to walk or even form simple words.  
   Naturally Jiyong is on his feet so quick it actually startles Seungri. The younger looks at Jiyong like he’s some kind of alien, but his gaze is unfocused so eye contact is impossible. Instead he drags Seungri with him, almost causing the other to fall straight on his face, to the bathroom where he turns on the shower. This is not what he’d planned on doing in the middle of the night, feeling like shit himself, but he’s taken care of the magnae since the very beginning of their rookie times, so it feels like second nature still.

Seungri is sick twice after his shower, and Jiyong has to force him to brush his teeth, but all in all he deems the other ready for bed at around five in the morning. He’s far from sober and Jiyong rolls him up in a duvet like he’s a burrito - it feels like old times and Jiyong catches himself smiling fondly down at the younger.  
   He goes to the kitchen and fetches a glass of water as well as two painkillers for when Seungri will wake up later. Jiyong is sure he’ll be desperate for it by then.

“Why are you here, hyung?”, the words are muffled from underneath the covers and slurred like Seungri’s tongue has stopped working.  
   “I’m always here, Seungri-yah”, Jiyong answers, voice soft. It’s a bit of a lie, since he’s not actually always there, but it’s close enough, and if it were for Seungri he’d be there anytime.

 

He thinks he might be the only person in the whole YG building, since it’s dead silent the next day. The snow has gone again, so that had lightened Jiyong’s mood quite a bit. He had felt very dull that morning having to leave Seungri behind for work. The temptation to stay and take care of the younger man had been strong, but like always he’d fled.  
   “Why am I like this?”, he asks under his breath, rubbing his face harshly feeling frustrated with himself. It’s like his mind is all over the place. He wants to sit down and have the much needed talk with Seungri, but at the same time it’s his current biggest fear. He wants to tell the younger exactly how he feels, how sorry he is for what he did, but he’s terrified that the younger won’t understand, won’t forgive.

Throughout the day he smokes a whole lot of cigarettes and calls Teddy too many times, since his inspiration is still completely through the roof. It’s a typical work day, and even if he’s not very productive, even if he’s not been for ages, it’s still the one sole thing he loves to do most. If he ever were to have any other job he’s sure he’d be miserable compared to how in tune he always is when he’s in the studio - composing, writing, rapping.  
   “You’re such a special person, hyung”, Jiyong’s whole body jerks and he spins around his chair so fast he almost pulls a muscle somewhere in his back. Seungri is standing there looking a lot less like death than Jiyong would have anticipated from someone having been deadbeat drunk the night before.  
   “Seungri-yah”, is all he manages so say, voice completely breathless. He sounds pathetic.  
   “I want you on my EP”, and of course. Of course Jiyong nods immediately, not even thinking anything over, maybe not even listening properly. But Seungri wants something from him and therefore Seungri will get whatever he’s asking for.

 

Kiko seems way too excited when he breaks the news to her, a few nights later. She literally seems over the moon happy for Jiyong, telling him “that was damn well about time!” and his stomach flutters against his will. Because this means that he’ll get to spend time with Seungri again. This means that it won’t be Jiyong himself initiating any form of communication between them, and this actually gives him courage to even think about what he wants to say to the younger.  
   “Which track will you be featured on?”, she asks.  
   “ _Time_ ”, he answers.

 

 _The sand is everywhere. He’s unaware of it for a while, until he feels the pull. The sand pulls him downwards, not under, but with it. He notices class shaped like a cylinder, and oxygen is limited. He actually can’t breathe for a few seconds and that’s when he finally realizes - he’s trapped inside a giant hourglass. Or maybe he’s just become really tiny. Any ways he’ll fall to the bottom alongside the sand eventually. Something in him tells him that that’s really not a good thing, that everything will be over when that happens, but he also knows (by instinct?) that this won’t happen for a while. For now he’s kind of safe, kind of stuck, and that’s when he hears it again. The voice, whimpering like it’s scared._  
_Jiyong wants to call out, tell the person who’s also trapped to not be scared, that he’s there too and they’ll survive this together. But his mouth is covered in sand the moment he opens to yell._

 

He writes a song in mid March and it’s so personal he’s not even sure he wants someone else to sing it. Being this degree of honest, not covering up too much in metaphors, is a rarity for him and he’s always honest so it’s all in all quite new to him. At least for a song which he’s planning on actually releasing.  
   Youngbae drops his chin when he reads the lyrics, looking up at Jiyong almost like asking him if he’s lost his mind, if he’s okay, and Jiyong just laughs nervously. He hadn’t expected quite such a strong reaction from his best friend, but he decides to take it as a positive response. It’s something new for him, something fresh.

Since it’s a song of his creation it’s not the words that speak the complete truth - it’s reading between the lines that does. And this one makes reading between the lines easy.  
   “It’s about rebirth. I discovered such a big part of myself so late in life that I see it almost as being reborn”, he tells Youngbae who nods, brows furrowed in deep thought.  
   “Is this you coming out?”, his friend asks. Is it? Jiyong doesn’t know but he guesses one could interpret it as that, “I’m worried for you at the moment, but this makes me proud”, Jiyong smiles because approval from his best friend is all he ever wanted, if he’s honest. Especially with him having written this song.

 _The end is getting nearer_  
_or has it already come?_  
_To me it shouldn’t matter,_  
_what’s wrong is right with you_  
_It’s a new me and against me_  
_your strong body feels best_

“He would appreciate it if you shared this with him, Seungri you know”, Jiyong knows Youngbae is right. This is basically everything he wants to tell the younger in order for him to understand that Jiyong, still, does love him.  
   “I’m scared to”, he mutters.  
   “You’re not the only one who’s scared, though.”

 

Because Youngbae’s words made him feel a whole lot better (and also a whole lot worse, but he’s pushed that to the back of his mind) he goes out with Soohyuk a few days later. They eat, drink and then proceeds onto their usual club in Gangnam, each get a free bottle of champagne and then starts drinking the night away.  
   Usually Daesung is the only person who can make Jiyong dance half sober, but Soohyuk’s friends are a little too much tonight so Jiyong hops up from his seat and goes out to explore the dance floor. Being 35 he always feels a bit old whenever he goes clubbing nowadays, but he at least doesn’t look his age and he guesses that makes it kind of alright. The girls at least don’t seem to mind, as they all seem very eager to get to dance with him, so he quickly decides dancing is too much of a hassle anyways, and goes to the bar instead.  
   He sits down and orders whatever drink is the bartender’s favourite, which earns him a wink in return. Is he flirting with the bartender? Jiyong honestly doesn’t know, doesn’t mean to, so he doesn’t think much of it either. He gets his drink, which tastes sweet just the way he likes it, so he drinks happily.

As time goes on, though, it becomes evident that the bartender is indeed hitting on him. The man, who is of course too handsome for his own good, mixes free drinks for Jiyong like there is no tomorrow, which Jiyong really can’t complain about. They can’t chat too much over the loud music without either of them having to lean all the way over the desk, and that’s kind of awkward, so instead the man retorts to just sending Jiyong nice smiles, which eventually turn into seductive smirks and suggestive looks.  
   “I’m off in half an hour”, says the bartender and Jiyong laughs a bit.  
   “I don’t even know your name”, he answers and watches as the man before him cracks a smile.  
   “Choi Sanghwa”, is all he says, probably not asking for Jiyong’s name since he must already know who he is.

Jiyong ends up leaving before Sanghwa’s shift ends. He may be drunk and he may feel a little bit of warmth pool in his gut when he thinks about sex with the other, but he knows he’ll regret it in the morning, if not in the very moment like last time. Seungri has proper ruined him, that’s for sure.

 

Even if Jiyong had easily accepted Seungri’s offer for a feature on his EP, they obviously both try to avoid the actual recording session. It’s been a few weeks since and they still haven’t agreed on a date to meet, so Jiyong decides to go to the studio spontaneously one morning to see if the younger might already be there.  
   And he is. In Jiyong’s studio also, which makes him smile to himself.

“I altered the lyrics a bit… I don’t know what to do for your part, though, I mean I assume you’re going to rap?”, Seungri is a good speaker. Always has been. Because of this Jiyong also knows that when he talks on and on like he does now, it’s because he’s nervous.  
   “Uh… I actually want to sing with you, this time ‘round?”, Seungri looks weirded out by Jiyong’s uncertainty but nods to himself, apparently not minding the idea.

It’s like they both hold back though, the air feels synthetic between them, cold like it’s never done before and Jiyong wonders if Seungri feels it to. Feels the way it slowly cracks his heart.  
   And he really tries his best to sing the song the way Seungri wants it, but it’s hard when it’s the same verse he’d overheard Seungri record the month before. The verse where every emotion had been so evident, too evident, in his voice and Jiyong can’t portray them the way Seungri did.

At least this is what he thinks until he hears it minutes later. They both sing this part, and the way their voices mingle, the way they sound together makes Jiyong regret every single song he ever wrote that didn’t have the two of them singing together like this. It’s so beautiful the way their voices back each other up, supports each other and blends together seamlessly.  
   This is how he feels when he’s around Seungri too. They just fit together the two of them, making up for what the other lacks, dance around each other. Seungri is soft and Jiyong is sharp.

He leaves the studio abruptly, so the younger won’t see the few tears which have spilled onto his cheeks.

 

Flying out to Tokyo for a photoshoot the following week has him feeling exhausted, because he hasn’t been able to sleep properly for days. His dreams are trying to tell him something, that’s for sure, since he’s had them for a while now and they all are about him running from something with someone. So every night as he actually lays down and tries to fall asleep he can’t, because he keeps speculating what the damn message is.

On the other hand, besides his ridiculous exhaustion, the photoshoot is a lot of fun both because it’s in Japan but also because it’s with one of Kiko’s good friends whom he’s met a few times. She’s just as lovely and energetic as Kiko, so the however many hours they shoot for go by like a breeze.  
   It’s always been so easy doing this - getting lost in work so he won’t have to think about his personal life, won’t have to worry too much about himself and other people. He’s aware that it’s the worst habit of his, making people give up on him sometimes, but even if it hurts, even if it sucks that he’s like this he can’t change, he won’t change.

Seungri is someone else though. He’s probably the one person for whom Jiyong would drop anything and run for. Except he should have done that long ago, and he’s ashamed that he hasn’t. He should have done it six years ago when he first fell in love with the younger.

 

He’d texted Seungri once in summer 2022, when he hadn’t spoken to the younger for months after calling that night in winter. The text had been short, not apologizing but rather explanatory: _I want to love you whenever I want, not only whenever I can._

Seungri hadn’t replied.

 

They go in for their final recording session late March and Jiyong feels nervous since he’d actually ran away last time. Seungri doesn’t mention it, but he might as well since he’s retorted to sitting very still by the mixer, almost like he’s afraid to move, speaking so gently Jiyong’s afraid he might break any second. It’s frustrating because Jiyong wants to apologize, ask the younger if he’s okay, if there’s something - anything - he can do, but he isn’t sure he’s got the right to anymore. Maybe he’s hurt the magnae so many times now that it would be downright rude of him to seem interested anymore.

Jiyong breaks three hours into the session. This doesn’t seem like the Seungri he knows and he can’t just do nothing about it, so he abruptly leaves the booth he’s recording in. The silence is unbearable, the younger staring up at him like Jiyong’s a complete stranger to him, like this is the first time they’re meeting and Seungri’s simply confused that G-Dragon in front of him is in reality only a slightly unimpressive man in his thirties.  
   “I can’t believe I used to think I knew you like the back of my own hand”, Seungri whispers.

The words have Jiyong rushing out, onto the street, hailing a taxi as quick as possible to take him home. He runs up all the stairs, forgetting that such thing as an elevator exists and barges inside his apartment. His room is messy, white paper everywhere, half finished songs and poems and what not, but he luckily knows where to look and he immediately finds it.  
   Looking down at the lyrics he feels doubt. It’s the song, his song for Seungri, about Seungri, about himself. It’s the song he knows will cause a huge scandal if he releases it.. no.. _when_ he releases it. Because he’s made up his mind - in the studio half an hour ago, looking down at the man he loves, he’s made up his mind that he will sing it, he will sing it and release it and he’ll deal with whatever happens after.

So he rushes back to the studio, back to Seungri who’s luckily still there, sitting in the exact same spot Jiyong left him in, looking white as a ghost when Jiyong returns and slams down the piece of paper on the desk.  
   “I want this on your EP”, is all he says. He’s out of breath, voice slightly hysterical, but it at least has Seungri grabbing the song, looking up at Jiyong gaze unsure but looks back down and starts to read anyways.

It feels like years. Years and years, as Seungri reads with brows furrowed, biting his lip looking gorgeous as ever and Jiyong’s heart beats in his chest. He feels alive. He feels warmth spread in his body, feet tingling with adrenaline, ears growing warm because right now he’s exposing himself to Seungri. This is all that he is, all that he feels, written on paper for Seungri to read and the world to hear.

“Are you sure, hyung?”, Jiyong can’t believe this is the only reaction he gets. The world shatters around him, cold seeping back in, and he just looks at the younger man before him. Is he sure? Of course he is, he’s never been more sure, more ready. He nods, eyes burning because his heart is full on breaking inside his chest and Seungri’s not aware. Why is he not reacting the way Jiyong wants him to? He should be on his feet, holding Jiyong close and Jiyong would be apologizing over and over, asking for Seungri to please forgive him, _please because I love you more than I love myself_. But it never happens.

 

He stays with Seunghyun for days after. He knows he must seem ridiculous - Seunghyun lives with his girlfriend and they most likely don’t appreciate having him there, but he can’t care. Being sure that what happened in the studio was most likely it - was most likely the official end to whatever hope was ever left for himself and Seungri - and it’s left him feeling worse than he’s probably ever felt before.  
   And that only makes him even worse for wear, because he doesn’t feel like it should hit him this bad. He should have been prepared since he never did much to show the younger his love in the first place.

“You’re such a jerk, Jiyong-ah”, Seunghyun says barging into the guest room Jiyong’s hiding out in, “I can’t believe you’re even more hopeless than I am when it comes to stuff like this”, he mumbles, probably mostly to himself afterwards, before looking back up at Jiyong, eyes hardened, “you realize he might have started to give up on you, right?”, the words feel like a stab to his chest.  
   “What do you mean?”, he asks, feeling a bit angry that Seunghyun finds the need to speak to him like that in the first place.  
   “Don’t you see that he’s just scared out of his mind that you’ll end up leaving him again?”, and Jiyong knows, knows he’s acting immature and Seunghyun continues after having sat down on the bed next to him, “I haven't spoken to him about this, but all of us know how you’ve not exactly had many successful relationships and how you like to act… maybe a bit over the top dramatic sometimes? He might think this song is just some pathetic attempt to win him back?”, the words sting, but rather than having Youngbae yell at him for being childish, he’s glad Seunghyun’s always this calm.  
   “He should know I would never do that to him, though”, Jiyong says, voice weak.  
   “No one knows you well enough to realize this, Jiyong-ah. You need to be bold this time around, I think.”

 

He posts a photo on Instagram that evening. He’s completely reached a point where he’s so sick of not only himself, but also everything else in his life that has caused him to have this hard of a time letting go of the fear of being who he is. Completely who he is. Though the only thing he blames is himself - for being such a coward, for not reaching out to the people who love him, for hiding away, for disappointing people over and over.

It’s an S and a H. On the side of his wrist. He’s drawn it himself, but in black and white it looks like a tattoo. Seunghyun. He’s not sure people will understand, and them understanding isn’t really his goal - putting Seungri’s name out there for the world to see is, even if they won’t ever feel a hundred percent sure that’s what the letters stand for.  
   He posts it alongside the caption:

_Like ink in my skin, you’re forever in my heart._


	3. Red

Daesung comes to visit Seunghyun a few days into Jiyong’s stay there. He’s been traveling a bit, seeing the world and Jiyong wants to cry because it reminds him of Seungri. And then he actually cries a bit, alone in the guest room, because why does everything and everyone have to remind him of freaking Lee Seunghyun?  
   His dongsaeng quickly realizes something’s up with Jiyong, being his observing persona as always. By then Jiyong’s tears have luckily dried, and if his eyes are red Daesung doesn’t point it out. They sit in the guest room, Daesung on one of Seunghyun’s ugly chairs and Jiyong on the bed, and Jiyong feels exposed having the other there looking at him the way he’s looking at him now.  
   “I think you need to get away, hyung, for a bit. To breathe properly”, is all he says.

 

They go to Jeju, which Daesung deems the perfect location if one wants to run but not hide. And Jiyong feels grateful that his dongsaeng is willing to do this for him, keep him company, maybe help him heal.  
   They’re staying at a hotel which of course is right by the beach, sea stretching far before them making them both feel infinitely small and insignificant compared to its mass.

The first day goes by in a blur, Jiyong feeling overwhelmed with leaving home just like that, but Daesung only takes him down to the beach where they sit on a tiny cliff and watches the sunset.  
   “I’m sorry, I keep wishing I could be here with someone else”, Jiyong admits, needing to get it out of his chest.  
   “I know. I’m not stupid, hyung”, Jiyong looks at Daesung for a moment. He thinks it’s incredible how good they all still look. When he was twenty Jiyong was sure he’d look old at 35, but now he’s there he doesn’t feel older than he felt ten years ago. Same goes for Daesung - he looks like he did at 27. It makes Jiyong feel grounded.

“I don’t want to talk about me, all the time”, he tells Daesung when they’re back in their hotel room, lying on their beds, moonlight present and beautiful as always, “how was your trip?”  
   Daesung rolls over, and Jiyong feels the other’s eyes on him even from the other side of the room, “it was wonderful. As a child I would have never imagined the world had so much to offer. Even as an adult, having seen quite a lot of it, I was still surprised”, he starts and Jiyong nods, wanting to listen to the other man speak for the rest of his life if he possibly could, “I went to India for a couple of weeks where I traveled with a group of five people. Then I went to Canada where I met someone, actually…”, this has Jiyong raising his eyebrows at the other, who laughs softly like it’s the fondest memory of his, “she was beautiful inside and out, and she showed me the country for a couple of weeks, but that was it. I never got her number”, he sounds regretful Jiyong notices.  
   “If it was meant to be, it would have turned out differently, wouldn’t it Daesung-ah?”, he half lectures half asks, feeling vulnerable yet again in front of the other.  
   “No.. It was my own fault not asking for it. Sometimes you have to pinch fate a little bit yourself in order for things to turn out the way you want them to”, and they’re both aware they’re no longer talking about Daesung’s Canadian romance.

They’re silent for a while, just laying there exhausted from a long day outside. It’s nice, Jiyong thinks, Daesung’s always been a nice presence in his life.  
   “I often think about my life.. and I can’t ever believe how lucky I was to end up with the four of you”, says Daesung and that has Jiyong smiling because he feels the same, “even if we all went to hell and back at some point, we always stuck together and that amazes me even today.. It’s easy to follow what everyone does, say what everyone says, but none of us ever did that and that’s what gives me hope to this very day”, Jiyong agrees. He likes the way Daesung always words his thoughts, he always finds himself agreeing.  
   “It’s also helped me think in any situation imaginable that there will always be hope, you know hyung? It doesn’t matter how bad you feel, how dark your thoughts are.. you and Seunghyun-hyung were always persons in my life who helped me the most, and I used to envy the two of you so much. You always seemed so strong like the whole world could take you on and you wouldn’t even flinch”, this has Jiyong shaking his head violently, because it’s not true, “that’s why it pains me seeing you like this now, hyung. Love is never a thing one should run from, no matter shape or form”, Jiyong wants to protest. He’s not running from love, he’s running from the possibility of Seungri not loving him anymore.  
   “I haven’t spoken to him, hyung, but if I know our Seungri well enough I’m sure he’s not reaching out to you because of the sole reason he’s certain you’re too good for him”, Jiyong remembers how the magnae had first acted towards him when they were trainees. He was never dumb, he knows Seungri’s always looked up to him, always compared himself to him and if Daesung’s right it absolutely breaks Jiyong’s heart.

 

When he arrives back home it’s to an invitation for Youngbae’s wedding laying on his kitchen counter. He looks at it for a few seconds, before reaching out and picking it up. For some reason it feels weird holding the actual invitation, even if he’s been prepared for this for ages now, seeing as his best friend’s been engaged for quite a while.  
   It’s a nice invitation, golden letters on white paper - very traditional and it makes Jiyong smile because it’s so Youngbae beneath his alternative exterior. He feels happy for his friend, remembering the teenage version who was too shy, too awkward to even talk to a girl. Even when Jiyong continued to tease him about it for years, he always imagined that this would be how Youngbae’s life would turn out - a beautiful wife who loves Youngbae for exactly who he is.

 

Going away with Daesung had been nice, but returning home takes away a lot of the good feelings Jeju had left him with. He spends a few days alone - not that that’s anything new - relaxes further, trying to gather his mind. He knows he has to speak to Seungri eventually, Daesung had made that quite clear and he doesn’t want to possibly ruin the atmosphere at Youngbae’s wedding

So two weeks into April, as he’s in the middle of mixing a song in the studio, he gets up and leaves. He doesn’t know what’s possessed him, but in that very moment it feels right, it feels like it’s time. It’s been too long and he’s been using all his strength to push this away, but it’s only torn him down further. And he’s so tired, he feels like shit, he can’t sleep at night, Youngbae is half angry with him all the time and in the midst of it all he doesn’t even know how Seungri feels.  
   He goes to his magnae’s apartment, feeling weird because he hasn’t been there for so long. He doesn’t even know if the younger will be there, but if he’s not Jiyong’s decided he will wait.

It feels like when he first fell in love with the younger. It’s such a spontaneous feeling, not knowing what it is in him that makes him act the way he does in that very moment, but he’s glad it’s there because otherwise he’s not sure he’d ever do what he’s about to do.  
   Ringing the doorbell takes every ounce of courage that’s left in him and his heart is beating so hard in his chest he can almost hear it. It’s so silent around him, his ears are ringing and all he can do is wait which is so frustrating. All he wants to do is kick in the door right in that moment and..

Seungri’s there, right in front of him and Jiyong’s brain stops functioning. All he knows is that Seungri’s _there_ and that he should be opening his mouth, forming words, asking to come inside, explain, but he can’t, he won’t, he doesn’t. No, instead he steps towards the younger man, definitely invading space he shouldn’t, but he doesn’t even spare that possibility one thought. Reaching out he lets his fingers caress the slightly stubbly jaw of Seungri’s, whilst watching his face carefully. He’s looking for any, even the smallest, sign that he shouldn’t be doing this, but he can’t find any.  
   So he fully cups the younger’s face and leans in, holding their gazes until Jiyong’s lips touch the other’s. He lets his eyes fall shut, feeling with every fiber in his body how amazing they fit together. And Seungri’s body is stiff against him as Jiyong presses close, eyes now screwed shut out of fear of opening them again, but eventually the younger’s lips start deepening the kiss other than just working against Jiyong’s own.  
   It feels amazing. Not having kissed Seungri like this for over a year, has Jiyong’s stomach clenching with butterflies and the younger sighs into his mouth before pulling Jiyong impossibly closer. The door falls shut behind them, but neither notices the loud bang, concentrating only on the feeling of the other.

“Hyung”, Seungri whispers against Jiyong lips and Jiyong slides his hand up into the younger’s hair, loving the smooth feeling of it. They’re actually holding on to each other as if the world might break if they were to let go, “please don’t leave this time.”  
   “I could never”, at Jiyong’s words a weird sound escapes the younger’s throat much resembling a whimper.

 

Seungri’s hand is loosely holding onto Jiyong’s wrist where he’d drawn the S and H. It has Jiyong’s skin feeling like it’s on fire, his heart fluttering with anticipation because his favourite person is touching him. It feels quite intimate, them sitting on the couch each one leg up so they’re facing each other, closely because neither can stand the separation anymore, Jiyong thinks.  
   “When I came out, hyung, I immediately regretted telling you”, Seungri starts and Jiyong immediately grabs the younger’s hand. Seungri never spoke about this before, so Jiyong wants to soothe him the best he can, “I hated myself so much, because I had burdened you all with something I could easily have chosen to keep hiding. It was selfish of me, because the reason I chose to come out was because I’d fallen in love with someone and wanted to act on my feelings for him”, Jiyong opens his mouth to speak, but Seungri shakes his head.  
   “I know what you’re going to say, hyung. I shouldn’t ever have to hide who I am or who I love, even if it means giving others a bit of a harder time. And I realized this when you told me you loved me for the first time.. and I continued realizing it throughout the years you continued to love me, and even if we weren’t always okay I always trusted that you at least would never hide me, or yourself or _us_ ”, Seungri sounds upset, voice shaky and growing weaker. Jiyong feels like shit, “but you did, hyung, and I understand why you would want to hide our relationship but I never understood why you hid yourself away like that.. Like you still do.”

He wants to scream because Seungri actually thinks Jiyong is ashamed of him. Seungri actually thinks Jiyong is ashamed of them, like Seungri’s not good enough exactly like Daesung’d said.  
   Instead he sits up straight, suddenly determined to at least make Seungri stop putting himself down like that, but the younger starts speaking again before Jiyong gets the chance to: “It’s okay, hyung. I understand why you didn’t want to continue a relationship like this”, and that’s when Jiyong realizes that they’re going in the complete wrong direction. Whereas Jiyong himself came today to make up, make Seungri understand that he’s ready to show the world how much he loves a _man_ , Seungri is letting Jiyong go for good, “please leave, hyung”, and Jiyong does because he’s not sure he’ll ever find the words to tell Seungri no in that very moment.

 

The dreams are ushering him on, Jiyong realizes in May. Wherever he’s headed or being led in them is death. They’re all constructions of his life, telling him that time is ticking - he has to get himself together, stop being led on towards death like life’s only one single long path.

 

He’s at Youngbae’s wedding a few hours early, watching as his best friend gets ready. There is a bit of media-coverage which Jiyong thinks is crazy seeing as Big Bang has been broken up for around half a year already. He’d found it in him, luckily, to smile to and speak with a few of the fans who have gathered outside the venue, but that had almost also taken away most of his energy for the moment.  
   “Are you okay? You look like shit, Jiyong-ah”, Youngbae asks him and Jiyong shakes his head avoiding the gaze of the other. He feels Youngbae’s hand on his knee then, squeezing lightly and Jiyong tries smiling, but he’s sure it shows as a grimace instead.  
   “I’ve been okay, it’s just since today he’ll..”, his voice cracks and he feels so embarrassed.  
   “I’m so sorry I kept nudging you on about talking things out with him.. I didn’t know he’d do this”, Youngbae says and Jiyong nods. He feels angry because this stupid issue should not be on any of their minds today of all days. It’s true that Jiyong’s been mostly fine, getting lost in work and avoiding his own thoughts. But he hasn’t slept all night, tossing and turning and imagining what it will be like seeing Seungri again.  
   “It’s not his fault. He genuinely thinks I’m ashamed of him.. he’s only protecting himself, which is understandable given how I’ve acted”, and it’s the truth. It feels good finally saying it out loud, finally putting the blame on himself.

He sheds a few tears during the actual ceremony, watching Youngbae so blissful next to Minjung who’s brightening up the whole room with her beauty, her happiness.  
   He even sheds tears when he has to give his speech, which he’d prepared carefully. It sums up their long friendship and exactly why Youngbae’s always been his best friend, a special person and presence in his life and it’s all too emotional, because Youngbae gets up and holds him close a few seconds after they’ve all toasted to the newlywed.

 

Not wanting to go home alone after having just attended Youngbae’s wedding, Jiyong continues to Hongdae where he picks a mediocre club to get himself drunk at. He’s only had a few drinks at the wedding, but he’s tipsy enough to go clubbing on his own.  
   He dances with a few girls, one of them sticking by his side for most of the night and she looks gorgeous in a pair of royal blue heels, and he likes the way her arms are seductively placed around his neck, inviting him in as they dance.

He buys her a few drinks, playing into his persona that is G-Dragon - a personality which allows him to feel confident, allows him to act as if he’s got not a single trouble on his mind. She falls for it, of course, seeing as he’s always been able to have his way with any and most of the ladies he’s ever tried seducing.  
   He remembers the face of a young Seungri during their trainee years the first time they’d taken him clubbing. Jiyong cringes at how much the younger used to look up to him. He’s not God, never will be, and he’s only happy the magnae is aware of that now.

Taking up the offer he brings her home, where he fucks her slow and deep, watching her sprawled out on his bed beneath him. Her moans are girlish and light, her hair long and messy. She feels nice around him, warm and wet and it’s basically everything he wants from a good one-night-stand.  
   It’s been quite a while since he’s brought a girl home, and he doesn’t want to deem it an achievement but that’s what it feels like. That should put him off having sex with her, but he simply doesn’t allow for the thought and feeling to travel further.

She clenches uncontrollably around him when she comes and that’s when he allows for himself to fall over the edge with her. He moans into the pillow she’s laying on as his own orgasm washes over him. His body is buzzing before finally feeling lax and heavy, so he lies beside her catching his breath for a while.  
   “You can stay if you want”, he mutters too tired to ask her to leave, since that would mean putting on clothes and following her to the door.

 

She’s gone when he wakes up in the morning, which he’s happy for. He lounges in bed for a while, checking his social media where Youngbae has posted a photo to Instagram of Jiyong and himself the day before as they’d hugged after Jiyong’s speech. It’s a precious photo and Jiyong thinks this may be the purest form of their relationship anyone’s ever captured on camera.  
   On Weibo Seungri’s posted a photo of himself with Seunghyun, talking about how he’s not seen the older for absolutely ages and how nice Seunghyun had looked even if he’s absolutely ancient now. It’s that exact version of Seungri that Jiyong misses most. They haven’t laughed together in so long that he’d completely forgotten how funny and playful the younger normally is - he’s happy to have confirmed that that at least hasn’t changed.

He orders fried chicken for breakfast, since it’s already noon and he deems it acceptable then. As he’s waiting for the delivery he jumps in the shower, washing off the night before, reminding himself he’ll definitely need to change the bedsheets. He doesn’t want them to smell of random hookups, unfamiliar perfume.  
   It’s not that he necessarily regrets the night before, but it’s more so that he wishes he didn’t have the need to go and have sex with girls he don’t know.

The thing is; even if he’s pretty sure Seungri’s trying to move on, Jiyong’s not even close to considering that a possibility for himself. He’d left when Seungri’d asked him to, but that doesn’t mean he’s not planning on another talk for them to have. He’d realized that last time it had only been Seungri speaking whilst Jiyong had listened. It’d been as if the younger hadn’t wanted Jiyong to explain himself.  
   Planning out what he wants to say is not easy, though. He feels like he’s got a million things to say on the tip of his tongue, but when he actually tries imagining what will come out it’s only apologies and more apologies. He imagines he’ll beg the younger to have them trying again, but he finds himself asking what good that will do if Jiyong won’t be able to put all he’s feeling into words.

 

In mid May, whilst Youngbae is still on his honeymoon in Bali, Seungri releases the EP. Time is the title song which Jiyong was already aware of, but he’s surprised when he finds that his solo song is also featured. His adrenaline immediately kicks in, because right in that moment his most personal song to date is out there for the world to listen.  
   Seungri’s named it _Me_ and Jiyong likes the title, even if it confirms that the lyrics are definitely about none other than Jiyong himself.

The articles are released a few days later, one headline crazier than the last and Jiyong stays at home because apparently the paparazzi is everywhere. He doesn’t want his photo taken, doesn’t want sloppy photos of himself beneath those already somewhat disrespectful headlines.  
   When he closes his eyes they flash behind his lids. From the nicer ones: _Big Bang member raps of sexual encounter with other man?_ to the more direct ones: _G-Dragon of Big Bang gay-scandal on the rise?_

They all have one thing in common though, all are questions, all are assumptions with no direct proof. It reminds Jiyong of the articles based around the photos Seungri had leaked of himself and another man back in 2016. The tabloids can talk all they want, but when it comes to stuff like this they’ll never manage to fully out them.  
   And that was never Jiyong’s goal either. He’s never planned, is still not planning, on ever coming out publicly. He’s never going to agree to a press release, an interview or something else like that. No. What he wanted with this song was first and foremost to find peace within himself. But he also wanted to give his speculating fans some sort of closure.  
   By the state of his social media accounts he’s kind of succeeded as well. Suddenly old photos of him are surfacing, him with Soohyuk, him with Seunghyun, him with almost all the men he’s ever been photographed with and of course; him with Seungri.

Seungri is definitely the one person who VIP and the press are suspecting most of being the focus of  _Me_. And they’re not wrong either. Jiyong guesses he made it quite easy for his fans to figure it out though. The photos from their trip, the love-bite, the SH-tattoo. The fact that this song is on Seungri’s EP - not actually released under Jiyong’s name.

Even if Seungri is not by his side in that moment of time, Jiyong’s still relieved that it’s all out there now. Everything he was ever gonna give the public on his love for Seungri is out there for the world to figure out now - he’s done his part and it manages to make him smile.

 

He leaves for Japan a few days after the public has calmed a bit down. It’s quite spontaneous but he misses Kiko badly, so he decides to show up on her doorstep on a weekday crossing his fingers that she’s at least not out of the country.  
   Luckily she isn’t and the same evening she takes him with her to an indie concert one of her friend’s playing in underground Tokyo. They drink cheap beer and dance with each other in the middle of the crowd - he feels free in Japan, knowing that most people aren’t judging him for the worse here. Especially not as long as they are Kiko’s friends.

“I’m so proud of you”, she shouts at him over the loud music and kisses each of his cheeks, “I know it’s not actually official news, but I want to celebrate either way!”

Kiko’s way of celebrating turns out being her buying him slightly nicer beer and pointing out different people she thinks would be nice hookups for him. He just laughs it off, because he knows she’s only being dorky, that she would never do this if it wasn’t for the fact that she’s his best friend and knows his limits.

They’re home early morning and stumble to bed completely exhausted. She lies on her back next to him, the sunrise glowing on her face, her eyes are closed but her breathing tells him she’s not sleeping yet.  
   “Tonight we’ve definitely given the tabloids even more shit to write about”, she breathes out and he laughs with her into the crack of dawn.

 

Seunghyun invites them all over for dinner one evening to celebrate the EP, but really it’s just an excuse for them all to have a nice evening Jiyong is sure. He’s surprised to find that Seunghyun’s only brought out one flask of wine compared to his usual five, and the food is home cooked too. Daesung teases him about having become a housewife now that he’s been proper moved in with his girlfriend for over a year.  
   Youngbae’s only just returned from Bali and looks nice and tanned and healthy, which Jiyong envies him of a lot. When he voices his desire to go on holiday as well, Youngbae only smacks him in the back of his head telling Jiyong to “just go already, you’re too rich anyways.”

Seungri asks Seunghyun about the single bottle of wine and at that Seunghyun hums to himself: “I’ve been saving it for so long now.. It’s my most expensive bottle and I think this is the perfect occasion to open it”, Jiyong’s heart swells with every word his hyung utters, and Seungri shines like the sun.

And regarding their youngest, Jiyong can’t help but notice how his gaze never really leaves him all night. The wine is fantastic, but of course they end up drinking a few more bottles and all get steadily drunker as the night proceeds. Jiyong feels Seungri’s eyes on him every few seconds, and at one point it makes him wonder if he’s got something nasty on his face.  
   Seungri looks nice with freshly dyed honey blonde hair and slightly flushed cheeks from the alcohol in his system. He makes Jiyong feel quite average looking, which is something he’s normally avoided like the plague - it’s not often that Seungri has been more daring than Jiyong when it comes to looks.

Seunghyun and Daesung are well and truly drunk and are dancing together by the stereo, with Youngbae, Jiyong and Seungri as their audience. Seungri and Youngbae clearly think it’s absolutely hilarious, well and truly distracted, so Jiyong stubs out his cigarette and leaves the living room to go for a wee.  
   It feels nice being the five of them together again, it feels like old times and because it was never a conflicted split their friendship has remained the same. Since they’re all quite big personalities, being so accustomed to the music industry and fighting for the spotlight, the other three make up for what’s missing between Seungri and Jiyong himself. He feels extremely relieved that whatever problems are between them doesn’t overshadow Big Bang having a nice get-together.

He leaves the bathroom and immediately notices a new big piece of art hanging on the opposite wall in the hallway. Jiyong’s always admired Seunghyun’s extreme interest in art, so he walks over to have a little look at it, always interested to see what his hyung’s purchased each and every time. It’s Van Gogh and Jiyong doubt it’s an original, but it definitely suits the other pieces of art hanging around it. The painter has always broken Jiyong’s heart - him always finding the story so sad and tragic. A ridiculous amount of talent overlooked by the public and even himself, only to finally be appreciated in death.  
   “I was always scared to die in vain. As a child I was almost desperate to make something of myself all the time, I feared I would waste away my life”, Jiyong jumps, spins around and of course, how very cliché, Seungri’s standing there.  
   “But you didn’t.. You made it in the end”, he answers watching a little smile ghost over the younger’s face.  
   “I did. I’m also scared I’ll waste my life trying to love people I could never”, Jiyong’s heart sinks. This is Seungri trying to make it a hundred percent clear to Jiyong that he no longer loves him. The blond man in front of him steps closer, holding Jiyong’s gaze and Jiyong feels trapped though he doesn’t want to run, “I’ve kept telling myself that the reason you keep running from me is because you don’t want me anymore. And I’ve let you. But you know what, hyung?”, Jiyong’s maybe stopped breathing and Seungri’s so unbearably close in that moment he’s also scared to, “this time I won’t allow you to run.”

 

Seungri ends up taking him up the wall of Seunghyun’s office - Jiyong’s legs wrapped around the younger man’s hips, back scratching painfully against the wall behind him even if he’s wearing a shirt. He doesn’t care about that though, instead he’s biting down onto Seungri’s shoulder to keep from moaning so loud that the people behind the wall will hear.  
   Seungri’s cock feels so good inside him, the risky situation only making it feel better.

“I dreamt of you like this the other night”, it’s whispered in Jiyong’s ear, making him shutter and close his eyes harshly. He imagines Seungri waking up, underwear damp because he’s dreamt of him.  
  _I dream of you like this every day of my life_ is what he wants to say back, but instead he only moans into the younger man’s neck where his face is now buried.

This is definitely not the way he imagined tonight would turn out, but he’s definitely not minding it. Never could. Even if Seungri were to fuck him against a window for the whole of Seoul to see, he wouldn’t care.  
   “Jiyong”, his name leaving the lips of the younger the way it does with no honorifics to it causes a loud sound to escape his throat, and immediately Seungri’s clasping a hand against his mouth, looking deep into Jiyong’s eyes, “you look gorgeous like this, Jiyong.”

 

They return to the tiny party some time later, looking at least decent though Seungri’s hair is slightly messier than it’d been when he’d first arrived at Seunghyun’s. Their three members are all half passed out on the floor and Jiyong’s suddenly very aware that he might have had a few troubles keeping quiet in the other room, but none of them comments on anything.

Seungri only laughs at his hyungs before fetching Jiyong and himself a nice cold beer. Jiyong thinks that maybe, just maybe Seungri’s willing to give him a chance. Hear him out. And maybe, if it all goes to hell anyways, they’ll at least part on decent terms.  
   He opens his beer and takes a giant swig. He decides that he’ll wake up tomorrow and call his magnae, demand that they meet up and then talk things out the way they should have done years ago. And even if it might take a whole lot of courage he doesn't possess, the tiny smile Seungri sends him from across the table they're sitting at is assuring him it'll be worth it in the end.


	4. White

_Sometimes_ by Ariana Grande is playing through the speakers and Jiyong closes his eyes listening to the lyrics, which calms him a little. It’s such an old song and he remembers loving it a lot back in 2016, so he feels slightly nostalgic.  
   He’s sitting the corner of a small café, enormous beanie and oversized sunglasses his disguise for the day and they seem to be working fine since nobody has approached him yet. He’s fiddling nervously with his phone, one leg bobbing up and down beneath the table as his feet can’t keep still. He sighs and takes a sip of his lemon water. He’d decided against coffee, afraid it’d make his insides squirm together worse than what they are already doing.

The café is luckily quite deserted, it being noon on a Thursday meaning everybody would be either in school or at work. And he should be too, except this is a whole lot more important than him throwing together yet another song or going to yet another meeting with an upcoming rookie group.  
   A bell dings from above the entrance and he looks up so fast as if being electrocuted - it’s not Seungri though, just some girl coming in for an iced americano probably, so he looks back down at his phone and checks the time.  
   The chair opposite him is suddenly pulled away from the table and Jiyong looks up yet again, eyes big because how in the world… “I didn’t see you come in?”, he says dumbfounded and Seungri actually giggles, giving Jiyong actual goosebumps on his skin.  
   “You seemed very absorbed looking at your phone, that’s probably why”, the younger answers, voice a little low as if he’s scared people will overhear their conversation.  
   “I was only checking the time for five seconds though”, Jiyong says, taking off his sunglasses to look Seungri properly in the eyes.  
   “I’m not late, am I?”, the man before him sounds unsure all of a sudden and Jiyong hurriedly shakes his head no. Truth is, Seungri could be five hours late and Jiyong wouldn’t mind.

The magnae orders a coffee and whilst they wait for it Jiyong manages to finish his own drink. His throat is so dry it almost hurts to swallow and he instantly feels annoyed at himself for feeling this way. It’s only Seungri in front of him, it’s the person he feels most comfortable with in the world so why the hell is he breaking out into cold sweat?  
   “Hyung if it makes you uncomfortable being out in public like this we can go somewhere else?”, and okay, is he really that much of an open book?  
   “It’s not that, Seungri-yah”, he answers not meeting the eyes of the younger across him.  
   “Then what is it?”, he’s surprised his magnae’s voice is even softer than usual, like he’s purposely decided to go gentle on Jiyong.  
   “I’ve just been putting this off for so long - years, and now you’re here and I’m here and I still don’t know where to start or what to say”, he takes a shaky breath because he’s not able to read Seungri’s face. Is he happy that they’re doing this? Does he just want it to be over with? Will he say something too?  
   “I was angry with you for so long, hyung. You’ve hurt me more times than I can count on my fingers, yet I’m still here right now so please just say whatever is on your mind”, from Seungri’s words Jiyong can’t really tell whether the younger is expecting bad news or good news.

 

Seungri suggests they go somewhere else where it’s not as easy for people to overhear them as it would be in a café or a restaurant, so they take a taxi to the Han river. Since it’s May the weather is the nicest it’s been in a long time, and they manage to find a spot in the sun with no people in hearing distance.  
   “This time of year is the perfect time to fall in love, isn’t it hyung?”, Seungri sighs contently whilst putting on sunglasses. Jiyong nods deep in thought.  
   “I fell in love with you this time of year eight years ago”, he utters mostly to himself, but Seungri must hear him seeing as his fingers twitch slightly. It’s like he wants to reach out for Jiyong and Jiyong badly wishes he would.  
   “I’m happy we were always realistic about our relationship, hyung. I was always prepared to let you go”, Jiyong agrees and nods.

“I want you to know I did not have you release _Me_ to prove myself to you.. I know you think I’m scared of what the public may do, but truth is I haven’t been scared for a long time”, he’s not sure it’s the right place to start or the right things to say, and Seungri looks at the river, expression still unreadable.  
   “Choosing to train to become an idol is maybe the worst decision of my life alongside it being the best”, he takes a deep breath, “a person like me, who hates the spotlight, hates the attention, hates the rumors more than anything really shouldn’t want such a career. It didn’t help that wherever I went, everybody I met seemed to think I was somehow above them in many ways. I don’t want to disappoint all these people who’ve praised me for years, but then again.. I can’t _not_ be Kwon Jiyong as well as G-Dragon - I never wanted to lose myself to a stupid stage persona”, Seungri’s turned to actually look at him now, and for some reason it gives him energy to continue.  
   “The thing is, I don’t think I ever knew the real you until you came out to us. It might sound a little weird, but you’d always just been Seungri to me since I never got to know you before you were put in Big Bang with the rest of us, you see? So that night and the time after you’d shared that part of yourself with us.. that was when I got to know Lee Seunghyun”, the sun is warm and the Han river is nice and blue before them, “that’s why I fell in love with you, I think.”

They’re silent for a long while. Jiyong’s afraid to speak up in case Seungri’s pondering an answer himself.

“It has to be the weirdest thing..”, Seungri finally says, not speaking to Jiyong specifically but not speaking to himself only either, “having Kwon Jiyong loving you. At first I thought it was only you feeling innocent interest in the whole concept of being with a man, you know, when we were in Boston? I couldn’t get you out of my head afterwards, hyung, and I kept expecting you to lose your interest eventually”, Jiyong wants to laugh because he’d already been head over heels back then, “I thought that was what happened when you called me last January telling me you wanted to end things between us.”

It had been for the exact opposite reason though, with Jiyong wanting an actual relationship with Seungri and not just them fooling around, being too scared to start anything too serious. This he tells Seungri, who in turn lets out a long sigh.  
   “We’ve really fucked this up, haven’t we, hyung?”, he says eventually and Jiyong finds himself nodding.  
   “It’s my fault though, since I never know how to voice what I’m feeling. I always find running from you is easier, but I guess I never realized you might not understand exactly why I do it.”

 

Eight years is a very long time to love a person without fully getting to show it. Jiyong is sad that Seungri for the most part wasn’t even sure of Jiyong’s love.  
   “I regret all the times I’ve had the chance to if not tell you then at least show you how much I love you”, Seungri’s staring at him as the sun disappears behind a cloud, making him take off his sunglasses. Jiyong isn’t sure what he sees in the younger’s eyes, but it’s at least not hatred or dislike, “I’m not brave like you”, he whispers and watches as Seungri’s gaze first softens and then hardens quickly after - it’s something akin to determination now visible and Jiyong wishes he had the ability to read the other’s mind.

There have arrived more people in the park whilst they’ve talked, but it at least doesn’t seem like anyone’s recognized them yet. Jiyong’s glad, because Seungri’s finally reaching out, coming closer, taking off Jiyong’s own sunglasses. They’re not far from each other now, but even if his instincts tell him to, Jiyong doesn’t move away.  
   “You’ve always been the bravest person I’ve known, hyung”, Seungri says lowly, before taking Jiyong’s face between his hands, leaning in to capture his lips.  
   For a while all Jiyong detects is the plushness of the kiss, Seungri’s lips feeling ever so familiar against his own, the two of them accustomed to each other, making the kiss naturally nicer than if Jiyong were to kiss anybody else. It’s such a bold move, Jiyong not having expected Seungri would even want to kiss him. And then he realizes where they are - he feels panic whirl in his stomach and Seungri, who must have detected this, pulls back.  
   They look into each other’s eyes, Jiyong’s panic disappearing because it’s _Seungri_ in front of him and nothing else really matters anymore. He realizes he can’t keep running from something he wants so badly his whole body sometimes aches from it, “I’m going to kiss you again, okay?”, he asks, though it’s not really a question, and Seungri’s eyes grow wide with surprise but he manages to nod before Jiyong is the one who leans in this time.  
   This time they simply share a long stream of sweet pecks, but it still manages to give him butterflies in his stomach. It feels so good. They aren’t hiding away in an apartment or in a club - they’re outside, the returned sun is warming them up from within and people’s chatter is coming from every angle.

Their foreheads rest against each other, Seungri’s eyes are closed as he takes a deep breath. Jiyong realizes he must not have been the only of the two feeling anxious, and he nuzzles his hand in the fine hairs just behind Seungri’s ears to help relieve some of it.

He remembers thinking he’d wait a lifetime to be with Seungri.  
   That’s never going to happen though, because never in a million years would he waste a whole lifetime waiting for something that’s always been right in front of him.

 

Jiyong can’t sleep that night. He lies awake for hours on end speculating how he’ll make things with Seungri work out the best way possible this time round. Him feeling embarrassed for not having reached out to the younger months earlier would be a major understatement - he feels full of regrets even if he keeps telling himself it’s no use regretting things he can’t change, things which happened in the past.

The magnae will have to go to Japan in the morning, and Jiyong would probably usually feel like a few weeks of separation would only do them good. But now.. now all he wants to do is call Seungri and talk to him until either of them will pass out with exhaustion.  
   Instead he picks up his phone and logs onto his Weibo account, posting lyrics from Sometimes. He’s always been sentimental like that, enjoying sharing bits and pieces of his private life with his fans through posts like these. This time it’s the closest to a happy post he’s come in a while:

_I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know_   
_Why it never worked, but it’s going to now_

On Instagram he posts at photo he’d snapped earlier by the river of his and Seungri’s shoes in the grass, remembering what Seungri’d said and using it as the caption: _This time of year is the perfect time to fall in love, isn’t it?_

 

When he wakes up in the morning it’s to a text from Seungri telling him in a joking manner to stop being so dramatic on social media - it’s freaking his fans out, apparently.

 

Around the month of July, it’s become quite the unspoken truth how G-Dragon of Big Bang is most likely dating Seungri of Big Bang. Since they’ve been spotted together in public so many times during the whole month of May, it’s obvious to everyone what’s really going on, but strangely enough the world hasn’t exploded with the news like Jiyong’d always thought it would. In reality nobody really says anything, except for the tabloids but they’re always talking so nobody really pays attention to those.  
   The funny thing is that they could as well just be very close friends, since their outings never consist of hand-holding or kissing in public - Jiyong finds that he may actually even be a bit disappointed that they’re not bigger news.

Not that he has much time to consider whatever the public says about them. He’s too absorbed in the fact that Seungri’s back in his life exactly the way he’s wanted for so long.  
   It’s almost as if they have to get to know each other all over again, always having been a part of each other’s daily life because of Big Bang and not necessarily out of choice. Now is the first time ever they see each other outside the tightly build core that was Big Bang. And it’s not easy, but easy hasn’t really been a word that’s ever applied to them and their relationship - Jiyong knows that from where they are now things can possibly only get better than they were.  
   Their relationship feels like it’s new and shiny, though not like they didn’t spend the last eight years pining for each other. They do have bad days, days where Jiyong doesn’t feel like he deserves the love Seungri so easily gives back - days where Seungri seems almost scared that Jiyong will leave again.

“For a long time I was so sure I’d never find a person who’d love me like I’d love them”, Seungri says one night. They’re on the sofa in _their_ living room, Jiyong between the younger’s legs his back resting against his chest. The television is on but muted as they sit in silence. It’s intimate and nice, as Seungri’s hand is playing with a few strands of Jiyong’s hair, “so I’d sleep with whoever wanted me, hoping they wouldn’t sell the story to the papers the day after. They never did, which was lucky because at that time I was so ashamed of who I was that I was planning on keeping my sexuality a secret forever. I already spoke about this but I met Sejun and fell in love, and he loved me back which was something new, so then I actually started wishing that someone would leak something so I wouldn’t have to hide myself or him away”, he takes a deep breath and Jiyong doesn’t know what to say. I feels infinitely sorry for his magnae.  
   “The times have changed though, haven't they hyung? Eight years later it’s not even much of a scandal that I’m dating freaking G-Dragon”, he chuckles and Jiyong smiles a little, though it’s mostly bitter.

 

He’d gone to Jeju one weekend in May to see his parents and sister, hopefully tell them the news if he ever found the guts to.  
   “I take it you’ve read a few articles, then, noona?”, he’d asked almost first thing, as he’d arrived. They were waiting for their parents to arrive as well, and she was sitting across him on the sofa, one eyebrow raised at him.  
   “Yes well, those articles wouldn’t exist if you only went a found someone to marry already”, she’d said, making it obvious to Jiyong that she thought of the articles as no more than rumors.  
   He’d sighed, wishing to shrink into nothing in that moment, “I guess we’ll have to go to America if we ever were to marry, though”, his voice was weak but she hadn’t seemed to notice this.  
   “Don’t joke around, Jiyong-ah!”, her voice had been harsh but not angry.  
   “I’m… not?”, and silence had fallen over them completely, Dami staring at him as if he’d grown an extra head. His brain had been working harder than ever, trying to come up with something to say, something more, “not that we’re planning on getting married, I don’t think, I mean I’ve only just started seeing him again and..”, his nervous stream of words had been interrupted by his sister.  
   “Again?!”, she’d shrieked as the world started spinning around him. Were he seriously about to faint? It had certainly felt like it.  
   “Uh..”, was all that’d left him.  
   “It’s no wonder I get this upset when you never tell me anything, Kwon Jiyong! Here I’ve been living for years thinking to myself you maybe did have a girlfriend, but choosing to keep her a secret because that’s what you always do! You keep your private life private even from your own family”, voice still not angry, more like upset, she’d stared at him, body stiff.

 

Two weeks of July is spent in America with Chaerin. He goes there to meet with a producer who’s asked him to write a few new songs for a full length album Chaerin’s going to release on the American market, in a couple of months. He’s only happy to produce some of her music, but at the same time it’s frustrating leaving Seungri behind in Korea.  
   He thinks Chaerin catches on to this quite quickly, as she keeps trying to cheer him up in her own small ways. She buys him snacks to enjoy throughout their recording sessions and takes him out for touristy stuff when they’re not working.

Since not all producers are as crazy as Jiyong himself, he finds that they have quite a lot of time off. Sleep is apparently an important thing here, he thinks and it makes him laugh because he’s really the one who’s unusual. He shouldn’t be judging someone just because they like sleeping more than eight hours during a week.  
   “I bet you wish he’d stay up with you for seven days so you’d be able to go back to Korea as quick as possible, am I right oppa?”, Chaerin asks one evening as they’re sitting on a beach, watching the sunset together.  
   “It’s really none of your business, but yes, I feel pathetic”, he tells her and she laughs.  
   “You’re the only person I think I know who’d feel pathetic about being happy”, her words only makes it worse, though he doesn’t tell her.

 

Seungri is there when he comes back to Seoul. It startles Jiyong because he really hadn’t expected to find the younger asleep on the sofa in Jiyong’s own apartment. It tugs on Jiyong’s heart though, seeing as he hadn’t responded to the other’s texts for days. Walking over, he kneels by Seungri’s head and slides a hand through the brown hair on top of it. It’s grown quite long over the last couple of months and Jiyong loves it a lot.  
   “Hyung?”, the sleep is evident in Seungri’s voice and he’s barely able to open his eyes with obvious exhaustion. Moonlight is shining onto him, illuminating his porcelain skin. The beginning of a beard is growing on his face, his lips are slightly dry but Jiyong thinks he’s beautiful, “hyung, I need you.”

His magnae doesn’t need to ask twice, as Jiyong feels all sorts of emotions stir in the lower parts of his stomach. Seungri looks at him, eyes dark and pleading. Jiyong knows that look all to well - I means exactly what the younger had just whispered; he needs him.  
   So Jiyong pulls off the sweatshirt he’s wearing, and Seungri immediately runs his fingers down Jiyong’s bare torso. His fingers are cold and make Jiyong shiver, but it somehow manages to turn him on anyways. The fingers make their way to his side, trailing over his Forever Young tattoo he’d gotten so many years ago with Youngbae. Lips are on his before he manages to get lost in the memory, Seungri having leaned up slightly to capture them, and they both sigh into the kiss.

Getting to slowly peel off every article of clothing on Seungri’s body is like a dream coming true to Jiyong in that very moment. The more skin visible the better, as he hovers above the younger whose eyes are closed, whose breathing only gets heavier.  
   He makes his way down Seungri’s body, leaving trails of kisses as he sucks bruises into skin before finally making it so that he can nuzzle his nose into the rough pubic hair just above the younger’s cock. All Jiyong wants to do in that moment is make sure his magnae feels good. He’s yet again sorry for yet another of his wrongdoings, and he so desperately wants to make Seungri forget about it.  
   So he takes Seungri all the way down his throat, eyes watering, before going back up with his teeth ever so lightly scraping against him hard and leaking already. Where Jiyong’s hands are caressing the younger’s waist he feels sweat forming, even though it’s quite cold in the living room. Hands are holding on tight in Jiyong’s hair and he loves the sharp pain when they tug a little too hard, which in the end has him moaning loudly around the head of Seungri’s cock.

Before he knows it, Seungri’s flipped them around, Jiyong now stretched below his magnae who has already started to pull off the shorts Jiyong’s worn all day. His underwear slides down with them, and his own cock slaps against his stomach as it bounces back. Seungri’s eyes are dark as Jiyong drinks in the look of him - hair messy, skin flushed, cock swollen as it stands proudly in the air.  
   “Magnae”, he gasps as soon and Seungri’s spat on his hand and curled it around Jiyong’s cock to coat it. The vulnerability in the younger is completely gone, replaced by some sort of desperation Jiyong doesn’t want him to feel but can’t stop. So he lets Seungri sink down on him, watching as his eyes clenches such with what must be discomfort from not having been completely ready. They moan in unison, breaking the silence of the night. Seungri catches both of Jiyong’s slim wrists in one hand, and holds him down like that as he starts to slowly grind down onto Jiyong’s dick, “oh my god”, is all that escapes Jiyong, who loves the look of concentration on the younger’s face.

They don’t last long.

 

Waking up naked on his sofa with Seungri heavy on top of him really shouldn’t feel as amazing as it does. The younger has drooled a bit on his shoulder, but Jiyong can’t find it in himself to mind. And after a few minutes have passed with Jiyong enjoying himself, the moment and the fact that he’s back home and relaxed again, Seungri wakes up too.  
   “I’ve missed you more than I thought I would”, is the first thing he says and Jiyong smiles involuntarily. His magnae’s voice is rough with sleep, deeper than usual and very attractive.

They lie like that for a long time, skin against skin, both a little sweaty since it’s summer and the room is boiling.  
   “I’m sorry I didn’t answer your texts, Seungri-yah”, his own voice is also slightly scratchy, but he suspects it’s not only from sleeping.  
   “Do you think we’ll ever be completely okay?”, the question is unexpected and all Jiyong can do is shake his head.  
   “Eight years is a long time. I do think we’re the closest to being okay we’ve ever been, though.. I don’t think we were ever destined to be”, he answers truthfully and Seungri nods against his neck where his face is buried.  
   “I was so in love with you, even after I returned from the military, hyung. I knew there was no one else for me, even when I cried at night and hated you for leaving”, voice muffled as he shares this he might as well have ripped out Jiyong’s very heart and squished it with his foot.  
   “I’ve spent so long running I’d forgotten how to stay.”  
   “It’s okay, hyung, when you’re here it’s okay”, and even if Jiyong knows it isn’t he doesn’t say anything. He only holds his magnae closer. Remembering.

Remembering all those times the younger had come knocking at Jiyong’s door, deadbeat drunk, hating himself for having been true to himself. Remembering the nights Jiyong had spent holding the other, feeling terrified of himself and his own developing feelings, which were completely and utterly wrong compared to the brotherly love he should be feeling towards the magnae instead. Remembering feeling brave for the first time in Boston, remembering the same evening as Seungri’d sunk to his knees in front of Jiyong, remembering the confusion, the fear, the exhilarating happiness, the sadness, the anger, the love.  
   Remembering eight years of loving Lee Seunghyun.

 

Daesung smiles so brightly at Jiyong the next time they meet, that Jiyong regrets not wearing sunglasses. He kind of wants to cry thinking about the various reactions he’s gotten, whenever he explains to people how he and Seungri are trying to work out things for real this time. It’s not perfect, they still avoid talking about all the dull stuff a little too much, but it’s something and the fact that that makes other people happy has Jiyong feeling emotional.

Youngbae doesn’t say much at all, except he’s asked Jiyong a couple of times how his family feels. Since he’d went in May, he hadn’t wanted to talk about it, but finally finds the words to in start August as Youngbae comes to visit his and Seungri’s apartment for the first time.  
   “Noona was mostly annoyed that I haven’t told her anything, since I did meet her few times throughout the years”, he begins, Youngbae looking interested and Seungri looking down at the table, “my parents were.. I guess still are disappointed, but I don’t see them much anyways so..”, he trails off and Youngbae nods.  
   “It was to be expected, wasn’t it though?”, and yes Youngbae’s right about this, but it still hurts a little. He knows they’ll come around - at least he’s got that to cling onto. Seungri’s frozen where he’s sitting and Jiyong wants to reach out, but doesn’t feel comfortable doing so in front of people yet, not even Youngbae. He guesses that’s another thing they’ll have to work through.

 

Sometimes it all feels hopeless. When Youngbae has left that evening, Seungri’s still oddly silent, mumbling something about a shower before disappearing from the living room.  
   Jiyong sits on the sofa for a couple of minutes, trying not to panic too much and then stands up. He walks to the bathroom where the water is running, finds the door to be unlocked and steps inside. When the younger doesn’t answer as Jiyong speaks his name, Jiyong strips off his clothes and steps inside the shower cabin.  
They stare at each other for a few seconds, before Jiyong steps closer, finally reaching out and holds his magnae close. The water is nice and warm, steam thick in the room and Seungri smells nicely of shampoo. His body jerks slightly with a single sob, which has Jiyong holding on tighter.  
   “I’m sorry, hyung, I just.. sometimes I just hate this so much”, the younger speaks, pausing in between a lot of the words.  
   “Hate what?”, asks Jiyong, running his hand up and down the younger’s muscular back.  
   “Hate myself, for being this way, for dragging you into this mess”, Jiyong pulls back immediately, looking at the despairing face of his magnae.  
   “You didn’t drag me into anything, okay?”, he tries to assure, but Seungri looks disbelieving still. Jiyong cups the younger’s face with both his hands, looking deep into his eyes, “I _love_ you, okay? That’s all me”, it’s the first time he’s really uttered those words after they’ve become part of each other’s lives again, and Seungri’s eyes widen. Jiyong only kisses his magnae on the forehead, hoping he’ll one day make him believe.

 

The idea comes to Jiyong a few mornings after Youngbae came to visit. He’s been pondering how he’ll possibly make Seungri understand that he’s really there to stay this time, and as he’s scrolling through photos that morning it’s like an epiphany coming to him.

Seungri of course doesn’t say anything about the photo Jiyong posts to Instagram that same morning, seeing as he’s probably used to his hyung being a little too daring like that. It’s one of their oldest selcas, they’d taken around the time Jiyong promoted heartbreaker. He captions it _Time_.

  
A week later he’s at the studio having just finished a meeting. He posts the second photo whilst eating lunch in the cafeteria. It’s fan taken one this time, of the two of them in their oversized red coats at Jiyong’s solo concert. They look happy doing the gwiyomi, Jiyong sporting wet platinum hair and Seungri shining like a damn star. He captions it _Time_.

  
Even if he feels less brave the third time he’s browsing for a photo to post, he’s determined to do so anyway. The fans are definitely catching on, even after two uploads, and Jiyong thinks Seungri might too after this one. It’s of Seungri only this time, in Denmark as he’d jumped into the two oceans. He looks like the child he’s always been, trousers completely soaked and smile big as ever. He captions it _Time_.

  
The fourth photo causes a bit more stir, making it to the tabloids seeing as it’s the fourth photo in four weeks. He likes this one a lot. It’s from one of their many dates in May and Seungri’d placed his hand upside on the table between them, challenging Jiyong in a way he hadn’t been able to refuse. It had been amazing placing his own hand in Seungri’s waiting one and he’d snapped a photo. He captions this one _Me_.

 

In September Seungri comes into their office one evening whilst Jiyong is mixing a song. He usually doesn’t work from home, but this had been urgent.  
   “Hyung”, he looks up at the man before him. He looks nervous and Jiyong wants to ask what’s up, but instead a phone is shoved in his face instead. It takes him a few seconds to focus on what’s on the screen, but when he realizes what Seungri’s done his eyes widen.  
   Looking up at his magnae yet again, the younger just smiles, “I love you too, hyung.”

It’s a photo Seungri must have snapped of him on his 36th birthday the month before. Jiyong looks happy in it, smiling not at the camera, but at the person behind it - Seungri. The massive cake the younger had gotten him sits in the table before him, and it’s very obvious it had only been the two of them in that very moment.  
In the same style as Jiyong’s own, Seungri’s posted the photo on Instagram and captioned it _Afternoon_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This marks the end of this journey. I'm happy so many people have read and liked it. I don't want it to end, though, but I feel like it's time (pun not intended).
> 
> Anyways, even if this is definitely a finished work, I might have a little something up my sleeve anyways, so please subscribe to this series to receive an update when that time comes!
> 
> Once again thank you for reading, please leave a comment and some kudos xxx


End file.
